Do as I Do: How to get healthier, more productive behavior out of our children

It seems from the inception of parenting itself (well, at least since the Renaissance), we as humans have been ruminating on the manner in which our children behave. I don’t know a single mom or dad today who hasn’t put forth some effort in developing their children’s good behavior; often embarking on some level of self-improvement if not for themselves, then for the sake of their kids. We hope that with healthy behavior, we’ll have healthy outcomes; ultimately, that our children will sustain happy, productive, and yes, healthy lives well into their future.

So, how exactly do we cultivate behavior and what is our potential given our current culture?

The Science Behind Influence

Recently a study on preschool-age children, published in Psychological Science journal, found that young participants “over-imitated” what the adults demonstrated. Specifically, they imitated the exact, sometimes irrelevant steps as was modeled to them by the adult even when there were clear, more efficient ways to producing the same end result. The researchers believed this type of imitation to be universal among people and concluded that this behavior is at the core of how we develop and pass down culture. While it’s likely not simply “Monkey see monkey do,” (And it turns out primates actually don’t mimic such irrelevant behavior), it is yet another glimpse into the dynamic aspects of our human tendencies and behavior.

Culture’s Role in Influencing Behavior

Learning through modeling isn’t a new phenomenon of course. Psychologist Albert Bandura, made his social learning theory popular in 1961 when he experimented with an inflatable doll, aggressive adults and children who in turn copied the aggressive behavior. It’s long been observed that people will identify with others around them – taking on perceived behaviors, values and even beliefs and attitudes. Our culture presents regular evidence of this theoretical truth: When looking at the most influential music groups of American history for instance, who do you suspect rose to the top (and has stayed despite the passing of decades?) That’s right; The Beatles. Other contenders include Bob Dylan, David Bowie, Jimi Hendrix, Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Hank Williams. Their influence infiltrated not only their peers in the industry, but also the mainstream of our culture. The editors of Rolling Stone magazine’s Encyclopedia of Rock and Roll (2001) put it this way: “The impact of the Beatles – not only on rock & roll but on all of Western culture – is simply incalculable … [A]s personalities, they defined and incarnated ’60s style: smart, idealistic, playful, irreverent, eclectic.” In no time at all, kids were experimenting with “shaggy” haircuts and eastern philosophy.

Obviously, we are creatures of influence and at the rate at which we are utilizing social media, the power of modeled behavior especially over our kids will continue to play a large role in how they grow up. A 1988 study published in the Australian Journal of Psychology noted that while a 1956 study found most children 12-15 years of age idolized people they knew personally (parent figures making up the majority), their research 20 years later yielded drastically different results: Among 313 children from grades 5-9 most children (50-75%) acknowledged that they would rather emulate media figures above everyone else. But this is no surprise to us, right? We know exactly how much access our kids have to media these days and for a lot of us it feels overwhelming.

But while so much discussion (and study) is focused on the negative implications of social media and its power over our culture, it is important to note that as family members, we too still hold a significant amount of influence over our children. Despite the statistics on social media’s negative influence, I’d argue that actually, we have the greatest ability to impact our kids.

Inserting Our Parenting Power

So, what does this all mean for us practically? How do we insert our parenting power?

While modeling certainly isn’t the sole stimulus for all human response, it does offer us as parents an opportunity to shine the light on our own personal and parenting tendencies in order to take ownership of what we want to be passing on.

Try Following the 4 steps below:

(And there’s a bonus: When you are diligent about modeling healthy behavior for your children, you will undoubtedly experience it’s benefits for yourself.)

4 Steps Toward Empowered Modeling

Ask yourself: What values are you already modeling that you’d love to see your kids adopt? How do you show up during stressful times? Are you calm and collected? What are your eating habits? How do you take care of yourself? How about your work ethic? Or your volunteer spirit? Make note of all of your positive attributes and acknowledge the benefit they offer. Congratulations; These are already at play, benefiting your children in myriad of ways.

Now take a look at what you’d like to change. Do you have a tendency to react in anger during times of stress or overwhelm? Does your body image need a boost? Maybe you withdraw when things get tough. What is your own engagement with social media, especially when your children are present? We all have stuff to work on and it’s those who take stock and do the work that separate themselves as more powerful leaders. And by “leaders” I’m talking about all leadership: How you lead your family, your office, an interaction with the checkout person at the grocery store. You know yourself better than anyone and observing even one or two things you’d like to improve upon can make a huge difference in your life and in the lives of those around you. (Grab a printable exercise here)

Third, acknowledge yourself for the work you’re putting in just by reading this article and set your intention for where you’d like to take it. Know that we are at times our own worst critic. Celebrate where you are now and know that in each moment we have the opportunity to decide who we’d like to be. So, take a moment to clarify your intention/s moving forward. It may look like: I intend to have more fun with my kids. Or I intend to hire a personal trainer so that I can feel better about my health. Write them down. The moment that we commit to doing better, we open up greater opportunity for that to occur.

Stay accountable to your intentions. This last step can be simple on the outset yet challenging in the practice. This is where the rubber meets the road. Staying accountable often means getting an accountability buddy (perhaps using a partner or friend), or holding self-evaluations on a regular basis. No matter how you hold yourself to your intentions, the greatest growth will come when you have tapped into the reasons behind your desired change. For example: I no longer want to play the angry mom. I am breaking the cycle of disconnection in my family. Get honest about the WHY behind this action. This is what will carry you toward creating new, more supportive habits.

Parenting is a journey in many things, not the least of which is growth. When we put the power back in our parenting and focus on our own personal expansion, we create the space for positive influence and of course for those best life outcomes we’ve held onto for our children.

“…the love, respect, and confidence of my children was the sweetest reward I could receive for my efforts to be the woman I would have them copy.”
― Louisa May Alcott, Little Women